2009 - a year in retrospect

Hi all (and probably just me - LOL)

It's been a very long time since I've updated my post, and a lot has happened since then. 2009 has been a pretty tough year for me emotionally, with some pretty low points happening, and just not being able to 'deal' as well as I would have liked.

Looking back, I hadn't realised how much my job at the Uni was depressing me, and really chewing up my confidence. While I was finding success at the end of my time there, it was more about learning how to do things the 'right way' according to my boss, but it really conflicted with my natural way about doing things. I was fighting against myself to succeed, determined to get the A+ from someone who didn't believe in giving them.

But, like a bad relationship, it's not until you're out that you realise that how bad it really was - and although I'm just as busy in my new job - I'm a happy busy. I like being busy!

Losing Dad in May, after he was in hospital for a while made a whole lot of the things happening that much harder to deal with. I love my Dad. There's always been part of me though that wants to look after my Mum, and while losing Dad was hard, I am so glad I could be strong for her and help her through. I conducted Dad's funeral, and organised all of that - and I think that purpose, and the determination to make it something that helped to set my family on the path to peace drove me for a while there, and I just couldn't let myself fall apart because Mum, especially, needed me to stand up for her.

I still don't think I've given myself time to grieve for my Dad. It's still really hard to believe he's not there, or moreso, very easy to pretend he is. It's like I've got this shield that flashes up whenever the memories get too painful, and then I'm kinda one step removed from it all.

Starting my new job has been the upside of 2009 - and I'm grateful to find somewhere where I can thrive and grow. I've had some huge successes there, in the short time I've been working there - and the warmth of the office is really great.

I think though, family needs to be more of a focus, and I'm cutting back this year to allow me a bit more time - to use however I need to.

Anyway, that's all for me now... let's see if I can keep this up!

xx
Michelle